Life is not like i expected...

After finishing my degree i wonder and dreamt that i will get a good job...

But thats not what happen to me... I'm a loser that don't want to move on...that's me...

After a while i stay at home i start become lazy and not believe to my faith anymore.... everything that i try not give a good feedback.. I start give up...
And when i give up my level of confidence and self esteem also become low as it can..

I hate to get out from my house..my life is about my mama, my sis, my niece and my grand mother...when someone come to my house i start feel the burden when people ask me what will i be...i work as a what... I hate all those question... Even when my close relative come to my house i felt like want to hide...

Now i become worst..i start to argue with my mama, my sis and my grand mother....everything they did i felt that they do a wrong thing...eventhough i know its my mistake...

Almost every day i having a hard day....i hate when i'm not normal...my temper level so high... If someone touch my thing i will shouted as loud as i can...

Last night i talk to my bestfriend, she tell that i need to get a social life, control my temper, close to ALLAH, get a job...even though its a rm 400 job..don't care if it a just stupid job...as long as i can work and have a social life... The most important thing muhasabah diri....that why i love her..eventhugh she know that i will start raising my temper she know how to tackle me and start with the topic..

What i know for things to change i need to change my self first....

experiment to my self...

experiment? what kind of experiment...

i experiment to myself.. which i stay at shahalam by doing nothing..

no one at home..

and i also realize that how lazy that i become..

i arrived at shah alam on 28th jun..

that morning i straight went to college to settle things about clearance..

that its..that day i can't finish doing everything..

account department didn't want to sign my clearance form..

i went back home..

bought domino pizza i really miss those..

i didn't bought one or two but 4...once again i mention that i bought..

wise man said who is to greedy they would be lost..

so deserve me..

i gave to my friends 1 box of pizza..

and brought the other 3 to my aunt..

i stay at her house to kill the time..

i felt weird when my brother in law in the house when i went back home..

so i decided to wait until he went to bus stop to went back to kg...

so on 29..it was my lovely day..which i didn't even take a bath..

i already i'm lazy..who become my husband would regret...hahaha..

pemalas macam ni ada hati pkiaq about husband..

seriously i just marathon harry potter again and again..

ate maggee..ate magi again..almost 4 o'clock i take my bath...

i realize that my clearance did not finish.. and i'm rush to get the signature and the form before the office closed..

nasib sempat..but i realize that my testimoni the original still at my lecturer..but i afraid to meet her so i let it go think that i will take it later..

pemalas nak mati..

i went home..with myself alone again..

now i felt that empty..pathetic..but for one minute only..

i know if i didn't change my self no one could change it..

forgot to mention that i got a bad ulcer..it make my mouth bleed and it hurts like a hell..

i put a salt straight to the ulcer..i know it will be bad but it the best healing for me..

on 30th i forgot what happen to me..i think i didn't get out from the house..

yes i remember i did not go to anywhere..

like i said saya sangat pemalas..

makan.tidoq surfing internet watching television, movie marathon...

life without friends..without anyone..but i'm happy...

i just miss my mother a lot..

i can survive without anyone else but except my mother..

mama i miss u..

its not because i depending on her because money..

its because i don't have any one..my life is about me and my family only..

even though i have friends they have their own life..

that its.. when i finish studying i'm realize that they have their own life..same as me..

on 1st july..

i did some cleaning session..

sikit jer ok..i set only 1 hour to clean everything..

so after 1 hour i will stop..thats me..

i take a bath early.my friends promise me to go to wedding invitation together..

awal la sangat dia kluar kan..

pkul 3 baru sampai..ksian kat pengantin tggu cupcake dia..

kalo aku msti dh ngamuk ok...

i admit that my head will burst if she not arrive at 3..

pity my friends..and we went there..the bride not happy..tarik muka la..sakit hati..

we apologize about our lateness..

and everything went well...

i went back home almost maghrib..

but i be able to run from went to shopping..

even though i'm female i hate shopping...

the experiment did not finish the..

my laziness experiment are continues on monday..2nd of july

i already schedule that i need to go to bank islam la..college la..

habuk pun tarak...as usual..budak pemalas ni still hibernate..

and for a moment i think about what will i be for future..

don't know..

seriously i don't know..

what will i be?

what happen to me?

until when i want to depend on my family?...

sometime i'm jealous with the other they have courage and confident with them selves not like me..pathetic as usual..

still on 2nd july there was nothing happen to me..

that's its..nothing change..still lazy fatihah..love to create excuses..love to run from problem..

coward..that's me..

on Tuesday..i organize a lepaking session with my besty..

but only one could attend..

but its ok..

dyla..her mother in icu..pity her..seriously in the middle of practicum..and her mother in icu..

if for me i will panic..i pray everything would be ok for her mother..

for sera she needs to organize the senamrobik..i know the painful..

sgt perit kut..atas pentas duk goyang sana goyang sini..

but lastly i could met my best friends...she the one know everything about me..

without lying without speaking she know everything..i love her..and the most happy moment when she pregnant i'm the first person that know it..she is SITI NOR SALWA..wa i miss u..

today everything went well..wahhh...i manage to settle things for tuesday..

but went she went back i realize she have told me not to forget about her..

i wont hunny...u r my totally the best ever friends that i have..

i don't know what will happen on wednesday..what i know..

i need to go to print the convocation slips, went to islamic bank..and make sure house in proper order..

i also need to go iron my cloths...that what i plan..i don't know whether it will be same as i schedule or not..

i also need to help my cousin..

she need to go to hospital..

so i need to settle everything before 12...huhuhu....insyaallah..owh i forgot that i also promise that i want to do some exercises...huhuhu...

ok la enough Fatihah..one things u need to think..

you yourself need to change in order to become better person...

so this my pictures right now...

bila dh xdak keja.....

 menutup muka yang huduh

habis blajar?

wow.....could u all imagine that i already finish my study....
sangat terkejut ok...mcm baru semalam jer daftar belajar...skarang lg 6 days i will finish everything...i meant i will convo on 7th july...
and when i think it back a lot of good and memories that i have...and full of experiences...

when i'm finish my practicum and resting at my house...every in the house my family my aunts my uncle start pushing me and asks me about work..

and some of them also said to me that i'm a lazy bum..
actually i want to wait for the transcript..
not only that i also try asking all sort of work online..
i know i would be a burden to my mom to support me..

now i just get my result..alhamdullillah..even though my result was terrible but i'm not fail...
that are the big matter for me..i know i quite disappointed with the practicum result..
what should i do some one feeling are effect my result..emotionally i also hate that person that failed me..she don't know who i am, and she judge me...

that's my past...ok now i need to reschedule what should i do...
by the way i love my mother..
she support me..she hold me when i really need someone..she the one could be patient with my selfish attitude..she is the one that know my inner feeling..
i love u mom...
eh terkeluar topic plak...

by the way i need to go...bye..

School life...

when i look at the students....remind me to my old time...
wahhh...memories...
if i could go back...
hahahaha...
mmg xkan la nak jadi...
past will be history..
based on the past we learnt and become who we are right now..
so this is me the present me...
i don't know the future of myself..
what will i be..

today Alhamdullillah everything went well..
i'm counting the day to finish my practicum..
i admit that i will miss my students
but that's life..
apa saja jadi ada hikmah..
tgk student suma nya happy..
tp student zaman skarang ni up to date..
zaman kita dulu2 mana la ada brani nk melawan cikgu..
nak merokok dekat2 sekolah
nak tido dalam kelas
makan dalam kelas
mmg xbrani...
kena sayang cikgu macam sayang mama kita..

tp bila aku jadi cikgu ni aku paham apa yg cikgu marah sangat...
expecially bila student kurang ajar...
bila pikiaq balik aku ni pun sama naik ja..
dulu bukan baik sangat..
sory cikgu cikgi ngn teacher2 yg pernah ngajar saya..

harini rasa tenang...
dapat rasa doa seorang ibu with me..
so mama..
thanks for becoming a supportive mother ever...
love u..

ok list to do tonight...
lesson plan...friday...monday..tuesday 2..wednesday...thursday 2...friday 2...sempat ker?
ntah...hehehehe...not confident at all...
ok dah nak p buat..
bye2 my lovely blog...

ada hikmah apa yang berlaku...

Assalamualaikum...
Ya Allah Ya tuhan ku...maha besar ujian yang kau berikan kepada hamba mu ini...
sangat bersedih sekarang...
sebab....
banyak sangat...mama cakap kita gagal makna nya kita belajar...
ya allah kenapa hati aku sangat sedih ni...

Kenapa kau perlu muncul di waktu aku dah lupa dekat hang...
we are history..u and i would be nothing...
ok u get married so what the problem...
kenapa aku sedih sangat...
maybe aku sedeh sbb aku tak kahwin?
tu soalan untuk budak LOSER...
aku xsedih sbb tu la....
aku sedeh sbb awat hang nak kaco kehidupan aku...
i'm happy right now..i have my life and you have yours...

cukup la apa yg hang buat kat aku tu kan..
xcukup lagi ka nak bagi hati aku ranap punah...
xcukup lagi ka nak musnahkan kehidupan aku...
xcukup lagi ka bagi aku nangis sbb hang tiap2 malam..
x cukup lagi ka yg kata2 manis hang gtau aku...
ok enough...
now i'm new Siti Fatihah...
don't u ever dare to touch or hurt me...

now stop...aku boleh hidup la...
i still me..so Alhamdullillah hang dah kahwin..tahniah..good...
cuma satu ja...aku xmungkin boleh tgk hang dah...i rather let u go..just go...
u with ur life...mine with my life...

i still have my family..my mommy..
i have ALLAH...
i have my friends..
i'm be able to live alone..
by the way i need to thanks you..
if you didn't do like this..
i won't experience the real meaning of love..
thanks...

everything happen ada hikmah dia...
so i take its positive side...
insyaallah ada yg lebih baik untuk aku...
xpa..xmati la hidup sorang2..ingat appreciate the people that love us..
so i love my family...

ok skarang aku sgt rindu mama..
rasa nak sangat dekat mama...
tp minggu lepas baru ja balik..
mcm xblh la nk balik tiap2 minggu..
i still depend on my mother..
pity kat mama..
mama dh la ibu tunggal..
so let it be..
i need to be strong in order to be someone better..

Terima Kasih heart-breaker...saya xnak doa yg xbaik dekat awak..
tp biar Allah tentukan semuanya..awak dgn hidup awak..
saya hidup saya...
ok la nak tidur...
esok nak kena mulakan hari dengan senyuman...

tenangkan hati dengan berzikir..insyaallah akan rasa perbezaan tu.. 

Assalamualaikum...

assalamualaikum...
tergerak hati nk tgk blog ni...
apa dh jadi...hmmm boleh bukak lagi lagi rupa nya...
pejam celik..pejam celik...
aku dh nak habis blajaq dh...
what i'm finishing studying...

bagusla sgt kan...dari student upgrade jadi penganggur...
ok skarang aku mula question my self what will i become for another 5 years..
banyak sgt dalam otak ni...
sekarang ni i'm struggling with my practicum..
ya la mengajar form 4 and form 5..
what did you expect..
i'm scared that i'm fail..

ok point pertama yg merisau kan aku...
about my practicum..
the students was not a big problem...
the biggest problem are ME
my self...
aku ni boleh ka handle myself expecially in observation..
my lecturer opinion about my teaching skills..
the most important task...
my record book...
my journal
my material
what will i teach on the day of observation?
benda mcm ni pun stressing me out...
aku dh buat sehabis bagus ka?
student dapat input x dari aku?
YA ALLAH KAU PERMUDAHKAN LAH URUSAN HIDUP KU....

ok second things that make me stress...
i felt empty....my heart need someone..
i'm start thinking about relationship..
until when i will have the status 'single and available'...
i also want to change my status...
i have to admit that  i jealous when i know some of my friends are getting married and engage..
my phase of life still the same..
mama pun dh start talking about married things with me...
i know my mom want the best to her daughter..
mama tau x anak mama ni xla cantik sangat..burk ja pun..
so nak dpat jodoh tu susah sikit..
ingat x seksa ka tgk org ada life dgn someone..
kita dgn no one..
hahaha..namapk pathetic sangat...
xpa la..maybe jodoh aku ALLAH nak yg terbaik untuk hambanya..
semua yang jadi mesti ada hikmah..
YA ALLAH YA TUHAN KU..kau permudah kan lah jodoh ku..amin...

ok sudah2 emo plak kan...muka dh macam batu..tapi hati ada taman...
hahahahahaha....
tapi thats life kan...
ok benda yga merungsingkan aku...
MONEY..DUIT...
mana mau cari maaa....
keja la kan....
ok nak keja kena ada kelayakan..
nak tunggu ada kelayakan as BACHELOR IN EDUCATION TESL...
i need to wait for another 8 month...
hahahaha...
sapa kata senang nak dapat segulung ijazah tu...
ok plan untuk dapat duit...
1. kahwin suruh laki support------mmg xla kan...boipren pun xdak...
2.jadi maid kat umah mama support-----xtergamak lak kan...
3.keja ja kedai makan mana2...----xsuka handle pelanggan,gedik gila...
4.apply jadi cikgu ganti----insyaallah akan ku usul kan..
5.keja office ja..apply ja kat mana2----akan ku cuba jugak..
6.sambung jahit baju---boleh la part time kan..
ok la yang paling penting..the biggest key point..jangan MALAS...
kalau kita rajin dengan apa pun kita boleh survive..
aku salute la budak2 skolah aku ni..
depa ni 16 tahun tp dorg sangat hebat expecially in bekerja..
aku 16 tahun pun duk celah ketiak mama lagi..hehehe..
YA ALLAH KAU BUKAKKAN LAH PINTU REZEKI HAMBA MU INI...AMINNN....

sebenarnya la kan sy sayang pelajar2 saya...
hehehehe...budak2 ni badan ja besar tp kan otak tu masih budak2...
comel kut..xkira laki atau perempuan..
dorg ni naughty la ckit...tp i still can handle it..nakal xbermakna kurang ajar...
kalo nak cerita ttg student masyaallah panjang berjela kut...
setiap hari mesti ada cerita baru...
setiap orang ada kisah dorang..
everyone have their own story...
but apa yg mencabar nya...macam mana kita nak tackle student ni jadi macam kawan kita..
tp at the same time as our students..respect us...respect kita as a teacher..
YA ALLAH YA TUHANKU KAU BERI LA PELAJAR KU ILMU YANG BERMAFAAT UNTUK MEREKA....

ni my picture as a teacher at SEK MEN KEB JALAN KEBUN

 Excited dapat main game...ni la bilik yg kami decorate...

bila dh sgt lapar i will do something to make me didn't think about food... 

 i miss her...she is my supporter my lover and my everything..

 this school ada smiley day...senyum suma...

one of the class yg i teach..